Prologue
If feelings could fly like hot air balloons
I'd light them all up so they'd fly to you
and burn your house down because helium
Is flammable what you mean, no it's not?
Fine then i'll ramble just like a bassoon
and hope the bad notes that I cry to you
reach that dense heart deep ass aquarium
and fry the fishy feelings tie them in knots
but all that i do won't anytime soon
make you feel the same as my sighs to you
it makes me so manic that lithium
couldn't save me would erase me i'm shot
i can't write anymore i'll just copy and paste
my private life so everyone can have a taste
of my pain, laugh at it and my inability
to write a decent alexandrine oh fuck me
Part 1
3:41pm today
Me, the fag: i fell in love with the right person in the wrong situation
and the stress of that made me say bad things to people i care about
and now i'm in heavy depression
because she's going away and moving out
because she cant be with me and her boyfriend too
and i guess that's what people do
when they find out how bad i am
and in a way everyone feels the same
because i remember everyone always leaves me
because i'm too vulgar destructive and jealous you see
and a bad friend to those who need
me and im never there a bad friend indeed
please stop lying ive hurt your heart
in more ways than one ive torn you apart
and sometimes its because i love the pain
i inflict because its the only way i feel sane
but i regret it all because i really care
about you and you know i am scared
of being all alone its not something i can do
to be alone is not something for me and you
but time is hard and passionless and obscure
im sick of waiting for that fabled cure
and im sorry i did it all over again
i said i wouldnt vent but i guess im still the same
afraid fool who just wants to be loved
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
3:42pm today
She, the friend/sister: It's okay
How are you?
I know you do
I miss you too
I wish I could
Sameen what happened?
And you are not a horrible person
You know it's never too late
You can always do better
And you are not bad
I don't feel that way about you
No you are not
It's something you think you are
None of your friends saw you that way
No you are not
As far as I know you have always been there for everyone
You did when you said ex sister
But I knew you were going through something
You are being too hard on yourself
You aren't alone
You have me
Your friends
Everyone.
And you will never be alone
I know it's hard there
And with time you will win over every obstacles
Because my brother doesn't give up
We learn from the mistakes and sometimes we end up hurting people we love the most
But that doesn't mean you cannot make it right again
You think you love the pain
But the truth is you don't
You are just afraid
And it's completely normal
And you are loved
So many people love you
I do
I love you
And I cannot see you like this
Destroying yourself
Please don't do this to yourself
Please
You are the best guy I have ever met
And I love you the most
I would never leave you even if you want to get rid of me
interlude
The fag: i dont deserve you
The friend/sister: You deserve so much better
part 2
5/25, 9:55pm
She, the best friend: Well, fuck you too!
Fuck all of you! I don't need any of you moody assholes
When I wanna talk you guys fucking keep me hanging for days but when you wanna talk i have to be there for an instant reply?!
And if i don't i get showered with blames and cusses?
I'm not your punching bag. Both of you.
***
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?
Of course you don't because you're flesh and blood
and you breathe and see and feel many things
But you'd fare better as a plastic bag
Because they feel nothing those plastic bags
whether in rain or hail, in storm or mud
for good and they'd never whither nor sing
stingy love songs because they're plastic bags
and they'd never be so fucking depressed
as to make a poem that celebrates
plastic bags and stick to ten syllables
thinking that its blank verse when clearly- not!
and somewhere Shakespeare is crying because
you can't even write a dumb iambic
you fuck
***
Part 4
Oh my God what's wrong with you
Every time I think about you I feel tears in my eyes
and I get suicidal and that's fact i just can't disguise
because it makes me feel like paris something I'll never have
sipping tea with Pound and Hemmy that's a damn shame i can't laugh
off because the world that i'd rather be in
is so far off because my quota of joy's filled with sin
and every other thing that i've done is ragged red i can't even begin
to make amends to those i've hurt by being a bad friend
To my dear friends if my life's end could make
you all happy like a yacht to rich kids
clearly I'd do it instead of long breaks
without talking and bitching hissy fits
like narcissus after he lost the pool
i too have lost the fountain of my faith
which he and i shared- self love is a cruel
fury because its so easy to break
unlike the vines that wrap around my wrists
if just they'd burst from my fingers instead
its a damn crime for like the evening mist
i'm the worst at transparency- my head
is clouded with who what why and how
that to your feelings i can't heed or bow
Part 3-
I have memorized the back of your head
Every wave of your hair I have counted
for when we two are alone in this bed
you look away soon as I've unmounted
Thinking thoughts which are foreign, locked to me
with a heavy heart that beats different tunes
which i can't view because they're blocked to see
at least by me like water past the dunes
but still i try and you kiss me when-e'er
I do so and you say that privacy
is a need not a want though i spy there
the name of your boyfriend on your phone he
has sent you some hearts and it kills me for
you've replied I love you so so much more
so much more than what i can give to you
here in my arms you lay and sometimes smile
and i feel evil because if he knew
it would kill him but i do't care cause while
He's there thinking you love him with all heart
your breasts lay on my lips and while i kiss
your flower he's cursing that you're apart
from him and despairing while i'm in bliss
and this is lust to us this i know but
why do i feel fear when you talk to him
and the end to this is bust and just what
can i expect this started on a whim
that has whipped me all over for when i
think about the future i can't help but sigh
Sigh the longest that's why until I can
I will hold you hardest till the hard time
you leave me because I'm the other man
And this i know won't be saved by this rhyme
Still those rare times when you don't look away
and your eyes whisper gentle lullabies
tell me all will be right at end of day
and at night our hearts and bodies will rise
but what's right is just what I'm afraid of
because though you and your love's right for me
the right thing isn't what this is made of
i guess the end will be a sight to see
but for now I'll smile back at your eyes
and join you in brief moments of respite.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
Part 5
9:07 am
He, the best friend: You can actually eat shit and breathe fine without a girl. Without food, you will prolly die. Food comes from money. Try caring about how you are gonna settle your life first. That's your priority now. And I'm sorry if I sound like a realistic guy and I'm sorry if I have lost my poetic sense of vision towards world, but I'm sure you know this better than I do, but that's a reality. And it's inescapable.
Everyone left me too. The day my days in shuvatara ended, my life was gone. No friends. Jugal wants parties, you are far-fetched, Roti is all ace and shit and I'm left with none of my best friends.
My girlfriend ignored me to death
And Of course my family wouldn't take me seriously
But I enjoyed my own company, built my own homeland in my head
Relived the legendary life over and over again in my head, almost felt it was real. That was my only comfort
I was a loner
I didn't dwell on it. That served me an important lesson, the only thing you can truly rely on or truly will give you happiness is a lean ego
A zone where you can stay in a crowd and be the most valuable asset
And the other thing is people couldn't care lesser about our problems and our perspective. So I stopped trying
And I'm where I wanna be at this point of time
Me, the fag: That's the difference between you and me son I got 99 problems but giving up ain't one
He, the best friend: So suck it up and stop acting like a defeated Indian movie star. I move on from things that don't look fruitful, you try to make life a challenge even tho sometimes it's too far fetched. You are the gladiator and I'm the strategist
me, the fag: The trick is to make it interesting. Do you think the shit that happened in catcher in the rye is interesting? It's just a guy walking around
he: While being abused by life? Well as much as I want my life to be exciting, I wanna make some money. You see I kinda love food and a place to live in
me: Hey man it's cool not everyone has to be an artist
he: I respect you for your philosophy but I'm way too mundane to live in a way that everyday is a possible end. I am organized. I knkw what I'm doing after a year and I'm a long term planner. I'm boring but that's something that keeps me ahead in life
me: Hey man that's not mundane you can make a great novel out of that too or a poem
he: I don't know. Lately I have been in a turmoil seeing all my money gone in stuffs that don't mean shit to me But I guess that's how life works Dude just a friendly advice, don't stress yourself over girls please. You are better than that. No I mean dude, you are packed with potential! Why are you wasting it over bunch of girls. Just do something that will secure your life. Don't live in a way that I pity my best friend. That best friend I once admired for his greatness is someone everyone pities on. That too because of a girl.
me: love is a valid emotion to write about
he: It's a boring emotion. It's a redundant emotion. It's a mainstream emotion. I would be worried about other things You are romanticizing the world and it's not even epic. It's just sad man! I feel like you are turning into Elvis. But dude, don't be a hopeless romantic guy please. I liked it when you were nonchalant and as irrelevant fuck
me: it's irreverent not irrelevant. How can you mix those two up?
he: Irrelevant as in your problems and all were so puny in front of you genius that it sounded almost irrelevant. What happened to that smart friend of mine?
fuck
epilogue
The harlequinade of love is so pathetic
for hearts do not beat content solely in one chest
moving on to another like end ember flicks
to become flames of high fire when understood best
by whatever such lover entices the heart
she moves to his arms like all the leaves that catch fire
in a lightning strike of emotions that much art
has sought to capture but can't replicate desire
of the flesh that turns alight the mire of beating
hearts that translate perfectly to one another
unexpectedly so the courtship is fleeting
and at the end all that's left are two lonely lovers
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